Internal Conflict
by Mird
Summary: Mird has deep thoughts. Alphonse listens. Sort of. -series of oneshots- Chapter Ten: I Love You !Self-insert OC faaaaaail, discontinued!
1. Cupcake

**I posted this in a random fit of sugar-induced spazziness. It just barely qualifies as fanfiction. But some people really seem to like it- if you don't, I'm very, very sorry. Please don't read and please don't review. It's not hurting anyone. But, if you really are bothered, that's fine. (Though, truthfully, I don't see how anyone could be bothered by this harmless fic. To each his own, I guess.)**

Internal Conflict

Mird stared at the cupcake, deep in thought.

Al said nothing, hoping it was just a phase. Her last few 'phases' were the being-completely-silent-then-saying-something-stupid-and-random-phase, the name-everyone-she-saw-whether-she-knew-them-or-not-phase and the extremely-annoying-habit-of-not-listening-to-people-when-they-talk-to-her-phase, all three of which were still going on.

And now the staring-at-cupcakes-phase.

It made Al wonder, 'what will it be next?'

"Alphonse, I've been having an internal conflict," Mird said suddenly, returning to the being-completely-silent-then-saying-something-stupid-and-random-phase. "You see, I want to eat this cupcake. But I also don't."

Al continued to say nothing. He knew better than that by now.

"See, if I eat this cupcake, I could get fat, and I don't want that. But if I don't eat it now, it could be gone by tomorrow, eaten by someone else, and then I wouldn't be able to enjoy the delicious sugary goodness. But, if I eat it now, I won't have it for some other time when I'm starving to death."

Al said nothing some more. He had never noticed how interesting the ceiling was.

"And," continued Mird, "if I save the cupcake for tomorrow, there might be mold on it by the time I finally decide to eat it. Then again, mold could already have grown on it, only it grew on the INSIDE, so I won't know it's there until I take a bite out of it and taste moldy sugary not-goodness instead of delicious sugary goodness. And then I might develop a fatal disease. I could DIE from a fatal disease. Al, would you be sad if I died of a fatal disease?"

She didn't wait for an answer.

"Of course, it all depends on how good the cupcake tastes. If it tastes like shit, I will immediately spit it out and wonder if it was worth my time. But if it is good, I might never know, that is, if I DON'T eat it. So the choice remains."

Al stared blankly at the wall. _Has that crack in the shape of Minnesota ALWAYS been there?_

"There is still the issue that the cupcake may be poisoned. There is my irrational-fear-friend who comes in the night and tries to kill me in my sleep. He might try to kill me while I'm awake, too, and what better way to do it than to poison my cupcake? Plus one, by the way."

Al picked up a nearby Rubiks Cube and began working on getting the green side done.

"So, Al, what do YOU think I should do?"

Needless to say, Al has no answer.

The End


	2. Evaporation

Chapter Two

Evaporation

"ALPHONSE!" Mird screamed. Al looked up from his book, which he was reading upside down. "I HAVE HAD A REVELATION! ABOUT EVAPORATION!"

Al said nothing as he mentally prepared himself for some more of her being-completely-silent-then-saying-something-stupid-and-random-phase. Luckily, her staring-at-cupcakes-phase had passed, but the other three were still there.

"If there's water on the ground, but it's under a tree, and the sun starts shining, will it evaporate? Because it's in the shade, so that means the sun doesn't get to it! BUT! BUT! But the sun shines right THROUGH the leaves! Like when you're walking under some trees on a sunny day, and everything looks green in the light? Well, wouldn't the evaporating water turn green too?! What if water was always green because an extremely-too-large amount of trees on the Earth?! Then no one would drink water, except the thirsty people in Africa, because they're desperate, but we wouldn't! Also, if there were so many trees, we wouldn't have to worry about paper waste! SO IF WATER WAS GREEN, THEN THAT WOULD REPRESENT SOMETHING GOOD!!!!"

Al said nothing. As per usual. Mird was starting to wonder if he had lost the ability to speak.

"Anyways, if water under a tree evaporated, would it stick to the bottom of the leaves? I mean, how would we know? Leaves can be very high up, you know. YOU could reach them, because you're tall, but you couldn't feel any of the evaporated water! EVEN IF THE WATER WAS GREEN!!!"

Al gave her a blank stare.

"Mird," he said. She looked up.

"What?"

"I. Don't. Know."

And that was the end of that.

The End


	3. Talking

Chapter Three

Talking

"...Did you say something?" Al asked.

"No. Not to you."

Al rolled his eyes. "Mird, I'm the only one in the room."

"Exactly. I was talking to myself," Mird said simply, continuing to fold laundry.

"Oh. When you talk to yourself, does yourself talk back?"

Mird nodded. "Yeah. Sometimes we argue. I usually lose."

"Then who wins?"

Mird said nothing.

"Is that even possible?"

"Of course it is! How else could it happen?!"

"Well...The impossible does happen, sometimes," he said, smiling widely.

Mird smirked and folded one last shirt. "I'm done. Good night."

"Good night."

"...I wasn't talking to you."

"I know. I wasn't talking to you either."

* * *

**Simplicity is love.**


	4. Stuffed Animals

Chapter Four

Stuffed Animals

"Al, I'm scared."

"...You don't _sound_ scared," he replied without looking up.

"I know. I don't want them to know that I'm scared. They can't know that I know, or else it will be the end of me. I could DIE, Alphonse. Would you want me to die? No. I thought not."

"...Okay, I give up," he sighed. "What are you talking about?"

"The stuffed animals!" Mird cried, gesturing at the small pile in the corner of the room. The pile contained a very big Santabear, a blue Uglydoll, an old lady grandma Dibley, a rock star rabbit made out of towel-like material, a purple hippo that looked like somebody had made it using knitting needles and a very old, brown teddy bear with no stuffing in it's neck. "They're plotting to kill me in my sleep because I don't pay attention to them! What do I do?!"

"...Well, they're plotting to kill you because you don't pay attention to them right?" Al said, playing along for the moment.

"Right!"

"Well," he said with a small smile. "then just pay attention to them."

Mird blinked. "But...But what if they think I'm annoying?"

"They won't."

"Why not?"

"Because you aren't."

"Oh, I can be VERY annoying when I try."

"Then try to NOT be annoying."

Mird gasped. "WOW! Good idea!" She gave Al a big hug. "Thanks for saving my life!" Then she ran off to pay attention to the pile of stuffed animals.

Al rolled his eyes and continued to read The Darwin Awards.

* * *

Mird won a Darwin Award for getting killed by her stuffed animals.

Of course, she wasn't actually dead, because that would suck. And this is fanfiction. So she came back to life and hugged Al again and got punched in the face by all the readers because of this shitty ending.


	5. Cats

Chapter Five

Cats

"Cats will someday rule the world," said Mird matter-of-factly.

Al snorted. "Of COURSE! They're smarter, calmer and all around better than humans. Why wouldn't they rule the world?"

Mird rolled her eyes. "Al, I don't think you get it. Cat's have an air of superiority. They know something that we don't. They're plotting it right now- someday, they're going to begin a conspiracy, and no government or military force in the world will be able to stop them. We need to get out while we still can. They'll kill us all, Al, even YOU. Even ME. We'll be dead, completely and totally DEAD! Do you want that, Al? Do you?"

Al's eyes sparkled. "Kitties!"

Mird sighed and continued to read A Hitchhikers guide to the Galaxy, upside-down.

* * *

**Al; he's a lost cause when it comes to cats.**

**It's true, though. Get out while you still can.**

**By the way, Tales From Outer Suburbia by Shaun Tan is the best book on the face of the planet. No other book has ever made me feel so weightless, breathless, laughter, tears, etc. etc…**

**Read it. Now.**


	6. Lisp

Chapter Six

Lisp

"AL!" Mird cried. "I HAD A THOUGHT!"

Al sighed. Mird was being extremely annoying lately. Annoyingly so, even. "What?" he asked.

"Who invented the word 'lisp'?" she asked, examining the band-aid on her right arm, from where she had gotten a shot two days ago. ("It won't hurt a bit," said the liar nurse.)

"I don't know. Who invented the word 'Mird'?" Al countered.

Mird grinned. "That's a stupid question! _I_ invented the word Mird, of course! Sheesh. But, seriously, what sort of idiot would invent a word like 'lisp'? When you say it, you sound like you HAVE a lisp! It's true!"

"Lisp..." Al said. He sounded like he had a lisp- an extremely retarded one at that. "Wow! You're right!"

"I know," said Mird proudly. "I'm always right."

Al didn't agree, but he chose not to say anything.

* * *

**Yes, AliasAurora, I mentioned this to you earlier…But, it's true. So it doesn't matter.**


	7. Doctors

**This is like...My stupidity filter. I put all my stupid thoughts here and, as a bonus, get reviews. Strange, huh? This doesn't even count as fanfiction, and yet, people like it...**

Chapter Seven

Doctors

"Alphonse, there is a conspiracy taking place."

"Do you even know what a conspiracy is?"

"...Sort of."

Al sighed. "All right. What's wrong?"

"Doctors are attempting to take over the world," Mird said simply.

"Oh," said Al. "How so?"

"Well, you know that waiting rooms have so many germs in them that just sitting in one while waiting for the doctor, can make you sick, right?"

"Uh huh," Al said, nodding. Where all that patience was coming from, he would never know.

"Obviously, it's all just an insane attempt to make us sick!" Mird exclaimed. "Even if you're just going there for a check-up, they'll say you're sick, even if you weren't before you came in! Because you get sick -in the waiting room-! Basically, this is just a clever way to earn money- Everyone who comes in gets sick, so they get more money, causing some kind of economic collapse...Or something. Then, everyone realizes that being a doctor is the easiest way to get money because they have so much, so the entire world attends medical school, and in medical school they are brainwashed into becoming the army of the new world!"

Al was silent for a moment before speaking. "I though cats were going to rule the world," he said stiffly.

Mird rolled her eyes. "Isn't it obvious? Cats, squirrels, and doctors are all fighting for world domination. Who will one? Only time will tell..."

TUNE IN NEXT WEEK TO FIND OUT!


	8. Stripper Clowns

**I still don't know how I get reviews for this. You guys have odd taste in fanfiction...**

Chapter Eight

Stripper clowns

"ALPHONSE!" Mird screamed as she burst through the door.

Al promptly dropped the item in his hands, which happened to be a copy of the book Twilight. (He wasn't reading it- heavens no! Mird had acknowledged that he was good with codes, considering the work that went into deciphering alchemic notes, and had asked him to look for any subliminal messaging within the words that could possibly make anyone like such a horrible book. No offense to Twilight fans...)

"What's wrong?" he asked worriedly- although, knowing Mird, it was probably nothing.

"I figured it out! It all fits! I know what's going on!"

"Calm down," Al said with a sigh. "Tell me slowly- what's wrong?"

"Okay. You know how I saw that shoe last week? Well-"

"You never said anything about a shoe," Al said simply. Mird gave him a sharp glare.

"I saw a shoe! It was just lying there, in the middle of the street, getting run over by cars and stuff! And then, a few days ago, I saw a BRA!"

"A...Bra?" Al said uncomfortably.

"Yeah! It was also in the street. I poked it with my foot, and it was kinda crusty and gross. I think someone ran it over with their car. And then-"

"You POKED it?" Al cut in. "Why?"

Mird sighed dramatically. "_Alphonse_. That is not the point of the story! Stop asking useless questions! Anyways..." She blinked, attempting to recollect her thoughts. "And today I saw a little red foam ball!"

Al gave her a look. "A little red foam ball?"

"Yes. A little red foam ball." Al continued to stare. She sighed. "Isn't it _obvious_? It's a clown nose! There are stripper clowns taking over the neighborhood! We have to move! Quick!"

"Where?" Al asked, choosing not to question the 'stripper clowns' comment.

"I don't know! Anywhere where there's no stripper clowns! Come on!" Mird grabbed his hand and dragged him to his feet.

"Mird, if I can prove that there are no stripper clowns, can we stay?"

Mird stopped moving, considering the proposition.

"Weeell..." she muttered thoughtfully. "All right. But how are you gonna prove it?"

Al blinked. "I...I don't know. What proof do you need?"

"Proof-y proof. I need to know that there are absolutely for sure NO stripper clowns."

Al got into a thinking pose. He 'hmmm'-ed and tapped his chin like a total idiot. Then he snapped, like a total idiot and a stupid lightbulb appeared above his head. "Of course! It's obvious! Mird, there ARE stripper clowns in the neighborhood!"

Mird shivered. "I know..."

"But they're nothing to be scared of! They're like bears- they just want to protect their baby!"

"What baby?" Mird asked in confusion.

"You may have seen the shoe and the bra and the nose...But _I_ saw something too! I saw a baby sock!"

Mird's face lit up. "You're right! Aw, how sweet! They just wanna protect their baby!" She hugged Al. "Thanks for saving my life again!"

The End


	9. Bookshelves

**My deviantART: http: / / mird5892 (dot) deviantart (dot) com**

**Forum: http: / / www (dot) fanfiction (dot) net / forum / Fully_Combustive_Material_For_the_Fanfic_Author / 65591 Mr. Mc4kids created a forum dedicated to FFnet challenges and contests. I'm a moderator (whatever that is), so I'll be posting all of my many, many challenges there. Oh, yeah, Mr. Mc4kids will be posting some stuff too.**

**how 2 rite gud fanfikshun: http: / / how2ritegudfanfikshun (dot) yolasite (dot) com Yup. That's right. I'm continuing it. Feel free to recommend a therapist- this insanity of mine is getting out of control.**

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Chapter Nine

Bookshelves

"Mird, is something wrong?" Al asked, his brow furrowed with concern. Unlike his brother, a man who wouldn't notice sadness unless it was gushing out the orbs of the person in question, Al was intuitive. He easily noticed the signs of an upset Mird; she spoke exactly 2.3845% less than usual. Her handwritten 'g's had developed a strange leftward slant. She asked 'what time is it?' 117 each hour instead of 118. Yes, it was quite obvious that depression was sinking in.

Mird was sitting in an awkward position on the couch. Her Spanish textbook was propped up between her chest and her knees in such a way that made it impossible for her to read the text at the bottom of the page. Her legs were bent so that she could hold her toes to keep them warm, because she was freezing. Al was freezing, too, but he had the good sense to hunt down a pair of socks and a blanket.

"Qué hora es?" Mird asked, completely ignoring Al's question. She glanced up at him. "I'm studying for a Spanish test. Please humor me."

Suddenly, the clock chimed midnight. "AHA!" Al shouted, pointing epically at Mird. "That was the 117th time you asked for the time in the past hour! It's supposed to be 118! Something's definitely wrong!"

Mird blinked. "...No es cortés a punto," she muttered, pretending that she knew how to speak Spanish.

"Seriously, Mird, what's wrong?" Al asked.

Mird's lip trembled and her brown orbs glistened with unshed tears. "Al...I'm...Preg-"

"PREGNANT!?" Al's eyes widened in shock. "OMIGOD! But- but- we never- then that means-"

"What the fuck, Al? I wasn't gonna say pregnant! I was gonna say bookshelf-phobic."

Al's face scrunched into an expression that was a mixture of 'should-I-be-concerned?' and 'you've-got-to-be-kidding-me.' "Mird...Bookshelf-phobic doesn't start with 'p-r-e-g,'" he said slowly and simply.

"Tch. Like, fuck whatever. I have no need for good grammar. I'm not a writer," Mird said, twirling a strand of hair around her finger.

"Yes you are!"

Mird's eyes widened. "How did you know?!" she exclaimed, fearful that her alias was wearing thin.

"You never shut up about it!" Al shouted, gesturing wildly. "How could I NOT know?! ARGH! You're more frustrating than Ed when-"

"Don't compare me to that shrimpy-spaz-brother of yours!" Mird yelled, her eyes filled with flames of fury.

"He's taller than YOU!" Al retorted.

Suddenly, Mird's hand fell limply to the couch cushion. Her Spanish book slid to the floor, forgotten. Her eyes were wide and unblinking.

Al paused. "M-Mird?" he said nervously, waving a hand in front of her face. "Are you okay? Hello?"

"I-it's watching me..." She pointed to her left weakly, gesturing at god knows what.

Al looked in the direction that she was pointing. "The...Bookshelf?" She nodded fearfully. Al laughed. "Mird, don't be ridiculous! Bookshelves can't hurt you."

"B-but it's so intimidating!" Mird said. "Look at it!"

Al looked. He didn't find it extremely intimidating, but he thought it best to humor Mird, just for the sake of kindness. "Well. I'll make sure that it doesn't...Eat you."

"Will you really?" Mird asked, her orbs glistening with...with...Damn, I already used this sentence, didn't I? Oh well. You get the picture.

"Of course."

"Well...Well...Bookshelves can be really scary, so I'll let you hold Brown Brown for safety. Here." Mird reached down to the floor (the most convenient place to keep one's crap) and grabbed her teddy bear. "Be very careful with him; we're getting married next month and I don't want him to get hurt."

"Um...Yeah. Okay," Al said. Brown Brown glared at Al.

"Brown Brown thinks that you might get in the way of our wedding, so he's going to- Oh! Brown Brown, that's horrible!" Mird looked up at Al. "He says that he wants to rip up your body and feed it to the bookshelf."

Al lifted a single eyebrow in confusion. It was a skill that made many jealous. "Maybe we should just...Get rid of the bookshelf."

Mird's face brightened. "That's a great idea! OH! We could give it to a hobo! He could use it as a boat!" She jumped up from her awkward position on the couch and threw everything off of the shelf and onto the floor. "Quick, Al, help me lift this!"

Then the bookshelf ate them and they died, the end.

* * *

**I fail at updating and my updates fail.**


	10. I Love You

**This is such a self-insert Sue fic. I'm still anxiously awaiting flames… I guess everyone thinks it's funny, so they've allowed it to live. How silly.**

Chapter Ten

I Love You

"Al," Mird said quietly. "Um... I have something to tell you."

"Hmm?" Al replied as he dug through the kitchen cupboard in search of a bag of potato chips.

"Well, I... I..." She took a deep breath. "This is hard to say."

"I'm listening," Al said. He abandoned his search for a brief second to give her a reassuring smile. "Just tell me. I won't judge."

"Oh..." said Mird. She squirmed. "I mean..." She swallowed.

Al rolled his eyes. "Mird. Seriously. Spit it out, if you're willing."

"Not willing," Mird muttered, her eyes downcast. She bit her lip. "You'll be, like... Mad or something..."

"Mird. I promise, I won't be mad."

"...Promise?"

Al smiled. "I promise."

Mird looked up, her face determined, her jaw set, her hands clasped in her lap. "OKAY."

Al turned back to the cupboard. "I'm still listening. Spit it out."

Mird took a deep breath and blinked for a long second. Her face scrunched up. "Oh, Al!" she said, her eyes glistening. "I- I-"

"Oh, Mird!" Al said in the same tone of voice.

"Yes, Alphonse?"

"All the potato chips are gone!"

"Yeah," said Mird. "That's what I was gonna tell you. I, er, ate them all... Sorry."

Al's eyes widened. His mouth formed an O. "You... You... YOU ATE ALL THE POTATO CHIPS?!"

"I'm sorry!" Mird squeaked. "But you said that you wouldn't get mad!"

"I DIDN'T THINK YOU ATE THE POTATO CHIPS WHEN I PROMISED THAT!" Al roared. "WHAT THE HELL, MIRD?!"

"But... But... But... I wanted to take a potato chip... And eat it!"

"No! No references!" Al shouted. "I'm too mad to put up with you being an annoying little girl right now!"

"What?" Mird was shocked. "Al is mad? This is madness!"

Al's fingers curled threateningly. "Don't say it..."

"THIS..."

"Mird, I swear to god..."

"IS..."

_"I swear to god I will kill you."_

Mird opened her mouth. Then she had a heart attack and died.

The End

Epilogue: Light discovered the all-powerful Life Note, brought Mird back to life and assisted 4kids in creating a terrible spin-off series!

* * *

**What did you EXPECT?**

**By the way, first one to finish the reference wins thirteen brownie points. It's not that hard.**


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